The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 Read online

  “Crap,” I say. “Don’t move. The DM just rolled for something.”

  “Could it be a random encounter?” Delvok asks, continuing down the path.

  Then Delvok trips over a branch in the road and lands face first in the dirt. Then I hear the sound of a D4 as it rolls across the table. (Well, D4s don’t actually roll, they kind of just plop down).

  Delvok stands, holding a bloody nose. “It appears that I have lost a hit point.”

  “Already?” I ask. “But that’s not fair. You’re level 1. You hardly have many hit points to begin with.”

  “I am now down to only 5 hit points,” he says. “It is a good thing I have a Cure Light Wounds spell ready. I might need to use it sooner than expected.”

  The others continue down the path, paying little attention to Delvok’s minor injury. The Dwarf Lord attacks a scarecrow on the side of the road. His player rolls a critical hit and the scarecrow explodes with straw.

  I shake my head at him and turn to Delvok. “Do you think Dwarfy is gaining any experience points by attacking those inanimate objects all the time?”

  “I do not believe so,” Delvok says. “But, since our Dungeon Master is an incompetent one he might decide to reward his brother a small sum of experience points for going through the effort.”

  “Maybe you should try it,” I say.

  “Thoughtlessly attacking every object in sight is not the appropriate behavior of a Vulcan,” Delvok says. “I mean, an elf.”

  I laugh when he accidentally calls himself a Vulcan. He does this regularly, ever since I met him. Before I used the Dildo of Enlightenment +2, I always assumed when he called himself a Vulcan he was referring to a clan of elves that I was unaware of. Now that I know what Vulcans really are it is actually kind of funny.

  1a: Gates Exterior

  We arrive at Tardis Keep before nightfall. The area is filled with rubble below ancient crumbling guard towers. The stone walls surrounding the keep are a shadowy gray, crawling with black thorny vines.

  “This place seems ugly,” says Robyn Woodsong. “I will use my magical song spells to turn this grimy castle into a peaceful pretty princess palace.”

  Then Robyn Woodsong plays her lute and casts Grow Pretty Flowers Everywhere. However, nothing happens, because that spell doesn’t fucking exist. Being a 1st level bard, she doesn’t have any spells to cast yet, let alone made up ones. Our Dungeon Master tells his little sister she can’t do that and she tells him yes she can too or else she’s telling Mom.

  Then pink and purple flowers grow from all of the black vines along the walls of the keep. Our Dungeon Master tells his sister: “Fine, there, you happy now?”

  Judging by the smile on Robyn Woodsong’s face, I’m guessing that she is.

  1b: Gates Interior

  Inside the gates of Tardis Keep, we are greeted by a gnome NPC who is running through the courtyard toward us.

  “Help!” cries the gnome, in gnomish tongue.

  Luckily, I speak gnome.

  “What is wrong?” I ask him in gnomish as he arrives to us.

  He is covered in bloody wounds. Crouching down, he breathes rapidly.

  “My family was captured by a group of gnolls,” he says. “I escaped, but they still have my mother and sisters. You must help me—”

  Then The Dwarf Lord says, “Ah-ha!!” and drives his battle axe through the gnome’s head. “Taste my steel, you goblin scum!”

  The gnome falls to the ground, dead. With only 2 hit points left and an armor class score of 10, he didn’t stand a chance.

  “What the fuck did you do that for?” I yell at the dwarf.

  “I was getting bored!” Dwarfy says. “I finally got to kill something!”

  “But he was friendly,” I say. “He wanted our help.”

  “That was mean,” says Robyn Woodsong. “You shouldn’t be allowed to kill the good guys.”

  “Well, then he should have spoke in a language I could understand,” says The Dwarf Lord. “Now, let’s go find something else to kill!”

  The Dwarf Lord runs off, all by himself, toward a barn near the north wall.

  “This is not unusual behavior for our dwarf companion,” Delvok tells me. “He is of chaotic neutral alignment, after all, so his actions are completely unpredictable.”

  “Yeah, but the gnome probably could have given us some information about this keep . . .”

  “Perhaps,” Delvok says, “but we will just have to get over this incident and move on. The gnome did say he had family members who were imprisoned by the gnolls. We might still be able to save them.”

  I nod my head in agreement.

  “Now, we should go after him before he gets himself killed.”

  Our party agrees and we head in the direction of the barn.

  2: Barn

  We enter the damp, foul-smelling barn to discover The Dwarf Lord slaying a horse in one of the stables. The barn is filled with dead horses, some of which had been dispatched by our dwarf companion, others are dead from illness and malnourishment. The gnolls must not keep good care of their animals. Unless, that is, they were planning on using these horses for food instead of transport.

  When Robyn Woodsong sees The Dwarf Lord killing the animals, she says, “Not the horsies!”

  That doesn’t stop the dwarf’s rampage. Jenny begs the Dungeon Master to make him stop, but Aaron doesn’t let her have her way this time. Their mother has finished reading her Oprah’s Book Club book and is now at the store, picking up dinner.

  The elf girls and I search the barn for valuables, but all we find are worm-infested horse blankets and blood-caked saddles. When the dwarf is finished messing around, we return to the courtyard.

  7b: Gardens

  Standing in the middle of a garden overgrown with weeds, which looks to have once been a decorative flowerbed, we try to decide where to go next. There is a tower in area 8 and a guardhouse in areas 3-6, but we decide to skip those and go straight for the main building. We know what these areas are because the DM has decided to openly show our players the map of Tardis Keep for a minute.

  When our players decide to skip these areas, the Dungeon Master says, “Yeah, might as well skip them, there’s not much in those areas anyway.”

  If I haven’t stressed this enough already, Aaron Donnelly is a very lazy Dungeon Master.

  9: Outer Hall

  Upon entering the outer hall, Loxi says, “We need to find our way downstairs.”

  The room is empty. There are some broken mirrors and smashed chairs. Dozens of layers of brown footprints coat the floor from gnolls tracking mud in from the courtyard over the past few months. I bend down and examine the footprints. The prints came from some very large feet. They seem like they came from the feet of a large animal, not a humanoid.

  “How large are gnolls again?” I ask Delvok.

  Delvok says, “Judging by the foot size, I would estimate the height of these creatures is close to eight feet tall.”

  “Gnolls are that big? I always assumed gnolls were just gnome-sized trolls?”

  Loxi enters the conversation. “Gnolls have nothing to do with gnomes or trolls. They are large humanoids with the characteristics of a hyena.”

  “Are they strong?” I ask.

  “Pretty strong, yeah,” she says.

  Then she walks away, not really all that concerned. I decide to focus more on which direction we should take from here. Hopefully, there is a quick route downstairs that avoids most of the gnolls. There are four doors in this room that we can take, but two of them are locked.

  “Which way should we go?” Juzii asks, her Japanese elf accent so thick we can hardly understand her.

  I point at the ground. “Let’s go in the direction with the least amount of footprints.”

  Everyone examines the ground, realizing that the biggest concentration of footprints lead from the front door to the double doors to the south. We rule out the double doors. The locked door next to the double doors also has a big conce
ntration of footsteps. We decide to take one of the two doors to the east.

  “Which one?” Loxi asks.

  Juzii checks them for traps. “One of them is locked. The other is fine.” She pulls out her thieves tools and attempts to unlock the door.

  “You’re a thief?” I ask. “I thought you were a magic-user?”

  “I’m an illusionist/thief,” she says, while trying to pick the lock.

  “So we don’t have a mage with us?” I ask. “Outside of Delvok?”

  “I am able to cast illusionist spells,” Juzii says.

  Juzii’s attempt to pick the lock fails. Before she has a chance to try again, The Dwarf Lord gets impatient.

  “I’m sick of waiting around!” Dwarfy says, choosing the unlocked door. “Let’s just take the easy route!”

  He charges into the room. We reluctantly follow after him.

  14: Guardpost

  Within this room, an orc (AC: 6, HD 1, hp 7, #AT 1, D 1-6) is getting butt-fucked by a bugbear (AC: 5. MV 9”, HD 3+1, hp 20, #AT 1, D 2-8). When The Dwarf Lord realizes he is charging toward two dudes having sex, he comes to an instant halt, nearly tripping forward into the orc’s large green boner which is aimed directly at the dwarf’s waist-high forehead.

  A little known fact is that all dwarves are incredibly homophobic. Because of this, dwarves will lose a round due to shock when witnessing naked humanoids of the same gender participating in homosexual acts. So Dwarfy must stand there, paralyzed in fear, as the bugbear gives it to the orc from behind.

  Although the rest of us do not lose a round, we aren’t quite sure what to do so we just keep our distance.

  “Should we just leave them alone or something?” I ask.

  “They aren’t stopping,” Loxi says, as she watches the humanoids thrusting and grunting.

  “They’re not allowed to do that!” says Robyn Woodsong. “That’s gross!”

  Back at the Donnelly home, Jenny tells her older brother she’s going to tell their mom if he doesn’t stop the orc and bugbear from having sex. But the Dungeon Master tells her that their mom is at the store and she can’t do anything about it. The other players laugh at her.

  When it goes back to being Dwarfy’s turn, he raises his battle axe and releases his war cry: “Prepare to taste the steel of The Dwwwaaaaaarf Looooorrrd!”

  Then the orc attacks the dwarf with his boner. He hits him in the right eye, causing him to lose a hit point. He will also be blind in that eye for one round. If the orc succeeded in ejaculating during his attack, then Dwarfy would have had an additional 1d4 rounds of blindness in that eye. The orc’s ejaculation roll, however, failed.

  Still not sure what to do in this situation, I decide to use my round to examine the room. It is an old guard post that has been transformed into storage. There seems to be nothing of much value in the room. The weapon racks are filled with rusty useless weapons. The barrels of grain are crawling with bugs. There are two doors in the middle of the room, but the two butt-fucking creatures are right between them.

  “This is gross,” Robyn Woodsong says. “I’m leaving.”

  Jenny has to go to the bathroom, so she has her character walk out of the room and wait in the Outer Hall. She tells her brother three times that he’s not allowed to kill her while she’s gone. He says he won’t. She says he better not.

  With his little sister out of the room, the Dungeon Master decides to make use of the NPCs. He has the two elf women make out with each other. He says they are getting turned on by watching the humanoids having sex and can’t control themselves anymore. They pull down each other’s pants and masturbate one another.

  My player gets really into this. He really loves the idea of elf-girl-on-elf-girl action. He fantasizes about this kind of thing when he goes to bed almost every night. Although I can tell my player wants me to join in with the elves, I resist the temptation. Instead, he has me sniff the assassin’s butt crack. I have no idea why.

  “It smells like cranberry,” the Dungeon Master tells my player.

  My player has no idea why an elf ass would smell like cranberry, but he kind of likes it. He’s an odd kid.

  The Dwarf Lord is through with this sexual nonsense. He is here to kill and maim, and that’s all. He attacks the orc’s boner with his battle axe. His attack is successful and does 1d8 worth of damage, which rolls out to be a 7. The battle axe splits the boner in half and chops through the orc’s midsection, killing him instantly.

  The bugbear’s penis goes in and out of the hole in the dead orc’s stomach. After one round of attempting sex with the dead body, the bugbear loses his erection and becomes furious at the dwarf for robbing him of an orgasm. He grabs a rusted bastard sword from the weapon rack and releases a powerful roar.

  “It appears that we have no choice but to kill this enraged Klingon,” says Delvok, as he aims his longbow. Delvok often refers to bugbears and orcs as Klingons.

  Delvok fires his longbow, but the arrow misses. Juzii and Loxi use their rounds to lick each other’s breasts with their pierced tongues, which leaves me the only one left to attack.

  I charge the bugbear with my short sword +1, but my player only rolls a 5. Big miss. The Dwarf Lord attacks successfully with his battle axe and takes off 6 of the creature’s hit points.

  “How do you like the taste of my steel!” cries The Dwarf Lord. “It tastes like Beef Stroganoff Hamburger Helper with blood and knives in it!”

  The bugbear attacks and misses the dwarf. I attack and miss again. The Dwarf Lord lands his attack for another 8 points of damage.

  “Have another!” cries The Dwarf Lord. “I stab you like I stab pumpkins with a screwdriver! I’ll cut off your head with a garden hoe!”

  The bugbear slashes at The Dwarf Lord with his bastard sword, causing 4 points of damage. I attack the bugbear and drive my short sword +1 through his belly, doing 5+1 points of damage. Nearly dead, the bugbear staggers on his feet.

  Delvok sees this and decides to save his next arrow.

  The Dwarf Lord says, “And I’ll put your ugly wrinkled wart-covered penis in a pencil sharpener until it is nothing but shavings on the floor!”

  The bugbear stabs Dwarfy while he continues his rant, taking off 7 points of damage.

  “You’re nothing but mud and dog poop to me! I crush you like a green army man half-melted in the microwave.”

  The Dwarf Lord then raises his battle axe for his ultimate finishing move, but his player rolls a 3 and he misses. Then it’s my turn. On a roll of 18+1, I deliver the final blow, stabbing the bugbear in the side. Dead.

  Although I saved The Dwarf Lord from losing any more hit points, he is not at all happy with me.

  “Why’d you kill him?” he screams in my face. “He was my opponent! I was the one who was supposed to kill him!”

  “Sorry,” I say. “I thought you needed my help.”

  “You can help me if you want,” says The Dwarf Lord. “But I am the one who delivers the finishing blows! I am the leader!”

  “Fine,” I say, although I have no idea why he thinks he’s the leader.

  “Remember that!” he says.

  13: Study

  We move on to the next room, through the unlocked door to the south. The two elves won’t stop making out. Robyn Woodsong continues waiting in the Outer Hall. The Dwarf Lord is still incredibly pissed he didn’t get to kill the bugbear. Because there are no creatures in this room to fight, the dwarf decides to attack the chairs and bookshelves of the study.

  Todd Donnelly, who plays The Dwarf Lord, is an incredibly awkward kid. He is two years younger than his brother, Mark, and Buzz, but his maturity level seems several years younger than that. He is so hyperactive that he’s hard to really understand sometimes. His teachers put him into special education classes, not because he had a learning disability but because he is nearly impossible to keep under control. He constantly disrupts any class he is in, usually so that he can get laughs out of the other students. However, nobody really understands his jo
kes.

  He’ll say something like, “Look, the ceiling is pooping out banana men!” Then he would make a farting noise. “Look, that one came out as diarrhea!” Then he’d laugh really loudly at himself and elbow the kid next to him. “Banana diarrhea!” He has no idea that nobody thinks he’s funny. They always think his rantings are annoying and immature, even for a 12-year-old.

  Our players take a break from playing Dungeons and Dragons to eat dinner. Aaron’s mom brought some fried chicken from the grocery store deli, with a side of coleslaw, potato wedges, and that crappy dessert that is just strawberry jello mixed with whipping cream. To drink, they have a choice between RC Cola and sugar-free Grape Shasta.

  Todd Donnelly drinks Grape Shasta because he isn’t allowed to have caffeine. Even without the caffeine, he is still speaking at the top of his lungs, sitting on the edge of his seat, and grinding his teeth between sentences. He’s just naturally wired this way.

  “Look at me!” Todd says as he puts chicken skin all over his face. “Look, I’m an orc!”

  Even though they sit next to each other at the dining room table, my player ignores the kid. He really doesn’t like Todd. Mark is a very shy, reserved person, so he finds the loud unrestrained behavior of this kid to be obnoxious and offensive. Buzz and Aaron also ignore him because they are busy arguing about which science-fiction television series is the superior one: Star Trek or Doctor Who.

  Since the three of them are ignoring Todd, he turns his attention toward his little sister. He makes growling sounds as he reaches his arms out to his sister, coming in close to her with the chicken skin all over his face.

  “Jenny!” Todd cries. “I’m an orc! I’m going to get you!”

  Jenny says, “You’re so gross!”

  “I’m going to give you a kiss!” Todd says.

  “Mom!” Jenny cries.

  The mom is eating dinner in the living room with their father and their older college-aged brother, watching football. The mother ignores them. That’s usually how she prefers to handle her kids.