The Kobold Wizard's Dildo of Enlightenment +2 Read online

  If anyone out there is reading this, I need your help. I am trapped within a really terrible Dungeons and Dragons campaign and I can’t find my way out. My player is a horny 14-year-old loser who won’t stop forcing me to have sex with slutty elf chicks instead of going on quests. The Dungeon Master has severe Attention Deficit Disorder and skips large sections of description when it comes to the world I live within. Please find my character sheet and bring it to a better Dungeon Master, preferably a benevolent one with a vivid imagination who actually knows what he’s doing. Please, I beg of you to deliver me from this nightmare, before all of my hit points run out . . .

  - Polo Pipefingers, level 3 Halfling Fighter

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  DM NOTE

  BACKSTORY

  BAKERTON

  TARDIS KEEP (ENTRY LEVEL)

  TARDIS KEEP (DUNGEON LEVEL)

  TARDIS KEEP (ENTRY LEVEL)

  TARDIS KEEP (DUNGEON LEVEL)

  ANCIENT CATACOMBS

  CHARTS AND REFERENCES

  CHARACTER SHEETS

  NPCS

  MAPS

  TYPES OF DICE

  MAGICAL ARTIFACT

  BAKERTON RUMOR TABLE

  J. DONNELLY NEW SPELL LIST

  SPECIALTY CLOTHING SHOP INVENTORY

  TYPES OF POLEARMS

  MAGIC SEX SHOP INVENTORY

  DM’S MATH CLASS NOTES

  AUTHOR’S CHARACTER SHEET

  ANCIENT TOMES

  DM NOTE

  When I was a kid, I had to make a very tough decision. I had to choose between my two biggest obsessions and decide once and for all which one of them I would dedicate my life to:

  A) Writing books.

  or

  B) Playing DUNGEONS AND FUCKING DRAGONS!

  I chose A, of course, but let me tell you something: I totally fucked up. I should have chosen Dungeons and Dragons. I mean writing books is fine and all, but nothing beats a good night of D&D. Nothing is more satisfying than leveling up your half-elf ranger after surviving a particularly challenging dragon battle, with over half of your party killed off, leaving most of the treasure to you and your nearly-dead dwarf thief friend who only survived because he used his “hide in shadows” ability for practically the whole goddamned quest. Now that is what I call glory. That is what life is all about. But no, I had to be a fucking dumbass and choose writing. It’s still a cool gig, but if I could have somehow made a living off of playing Dungeons and Dragons professionally I totally would have done that instead.

  It’s funny but I believe that I actually learned more about how to write from Dungeon Mastering than I did from taking creative writing classes. I think it is because when you create stories for Dungeons and Dragons, you have to consider your audience. You’re not taught to consider your audience in creative writing classes. You are taught to express yourself or how to intelligently work subtext into your story. They don’t teach you how to keep your audience interested and engaged. They don’t teach you how not to be boring. When you’ve created a shitty quest as a DM, your players let you know. They might not say it to your face, but once they start yawning, going home early, and making excuses not to come to the next week’s session, you know you’ve fucked up. So if you happen to be a writer and think you’re wasting your time playing D&D, you should remember that you can learn a lot from playing Dungeons and Dragons. Not only did it help me with storytelling, but also worldbuilding, characterization, and even illustration. To tell you the truth, pretty much all of my art skills originated from years of illustrating the profile pics on character sheets.

  This book is dedicated to the years of my life when I was most obsessed with D&D (12-14). It is also dedicated to all of my friends I have played D&D with over the years: Aaron Donnelly (who was Mormon and always played the wizard), Daniel Donnelly (who was a hyperactive kid who loved to destroy things and talk about boners), Jason Meador (my best friend when I was 14, who was sensitive about his height and totally into Satan), Josh Webb (my first DM in 5th grade), Vince Kramer (who got me back into D&D for a couple months when I was 19), and Buzz Jepson (the Trekkie kid I used to play chess with at lunch when I was 15).

  So, you hold in your hands The Kobold Wizard’s Dildo of Enlightenment +2, which was originally titled The Eyeball Wizard’s Toy Cunt back when it was only in the outlining stages about 6 years ago. Now I do have to say that this is the stupidest book I have ever written. I say that a lot these days, but this time I really mean it. If there exists another book with this many boners in it I would be completely amazed. But, you know, when you are writing a book set in a world that has been created by 12-14 year old nerds there is going to be a hell of a lot of boners in it. Still, I might have gone a little bit overboard on this one. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

  - Carlton Mellick III

  06/01/10 7:24 pm

  I really wish I never used the Dildo of Enlightenment +2. It happened just last week, and since then my whole world has been flipped upside-down. Glimworm, the kobold wizard, told us that the dildo possessed forbidden knowledge of the universe and that it should never be used under any circumstance. We agreed that we would not use the dildo. We would just retrieve it from the bandits who had stolen it from him, return it, then collect our reward and experience points.

  The kobold wizard said, “You won’t be tempted to stick it in your butts, will you?”

  “No,” I said, tapping the handle of my short sword +1. “We just want the reward.”

  “Are you sure?” repeated the kobold. “You’re really not in the least bit curious about the forbidden knowledge locked away in the dildo?” Then he took a bite of a carrion crawler head on a long copper fork.

  “Trust us,” said Delvok, the elven ranger/cleric/mage/fighter, shaking his head. “We have no intention of sticking that ancient mystical relic in our rectums. No knowledge is worth that.”

  Glimworm sucked a tentacle into his reptilian dog-like snout and grunted.

  “Good,” he said. “Because if you were to use it then I’d have to kill you.”

  We nodded at him.

  “I’m serious,” he said. “If you use it I’ll know. Then I will kill you.”

  I looked up at my two companions with a worried expression. Delvok was equally worried, though he tried not to show it. But my other companion, a dwarf named The Dwarf Lord, had no idea what was going on. He never had any idea what was going on.

  “We won’t use it,” I said. “Promise.”

  Glimworm slurped yellow goop out of the giant insect’s head and then patted his scaled belly.

  “Just remember . . .” he said.

  Then he launched a magic missile at the wall behind us to demonstrate how serious he was. It made all of us jump, except for The Dwarf Lord, who leaned against his battle axe stroking his long red beard, thinking about something else.

  We had planned to keep our promise to Glimworm. We really did. But then we were ambushed by two naked sex-crazed she-trolls who anally raped us with several items from my Bag of Holding: a mace handle, an iron holy symbol, some wolfsbane, a scroll of Read Magic, and the Dildo of Enlightenment +2.

  The one that attacked me was the younger sister and less bulgy of the two. She wrapped her rubbery green body around me and wrestled me to the ground. Because her strength score was 7 points higher than mine and the fact that she was three times my size—I’m just a halfling, after all—she was able to hold me down and penetrate me repeatedly with a variety of objects until I was knocked unconscious.

  When I came to, I found myself naked in the middle of the forest, all of my gol
d and food had been stolen, and the Dildo of Enlightenment +2 was sticking out of my anal cavity. Delvok was sitting under a tree, paralyzed with shock and unable to speak. Macra, an NPC, was lying dead face down in the mud, raped to death by the larger

  she-troll. It wasn’t until I removed the dildo and put my chainmail back on that I became enlightened to the secret of my existence.

  The knowledge I learned was that I am not actually a real being. I am nothing more than an imaginary character living inside of a Dungeons and Dragons tabletop RPG game. I do not have freewill of my own, because in another world there exists some shrimpy 14-year-old nerd named Mark Meador who controls me. My entire world is just a game to him, and I am just the character he plays in this game.

  Delvok, who had also been raped with the dildo, learned that he is being played by a scrawny Trekkie kid named Buzz Jepson, who doesn’t seem to know the difference between elves and Vulcans. And we learned that the Dungeon Master, the god who created our universe, is named Aaron Donnelly, the morbidly obese wheelchair-bound king dweeb of the school.

  These wretched nerds are the gods of our world, and the worst part of it is they aren’t really all that good at playing Dungeons and Dragons. The majority of them lack any sense of imagination, the Dungeon Master has only skimmed the DM rulebook, and they spend most of their time trading pewter figures or arguing over whose dice set they would use that day.

  After obtaining this knowledge from the Dildo of Enlightenment +2, Delvok and I realized that we were completely fucked.

  1: Bakerton Market

  I meet up with Delvok in the market. He is wearing a dirty brown peasant’s cloak, hiding his face. I didn’t even recognize him until he waved me over.

  “Polo,” he says in a whispering tone, near the armory. “Come.”

  I look around and go to him.

  “Why are you not cloaked?” the elf says, speaking in his usual Vulcan-like monotone voice.

  “I didn’t—”

  “Were you followed?”

  I shrug at him. “I’m a halfling. People hardly notice me.”

  Delvok nods, his eyes darting around the plaza to make sure nobody is paying attention.

  Ever since we used the Dildo of Enlightenment +2, we have been in hiding. The kobold wizard is surely after us. We want to return the dildo and collect our reward, but Glimworm said he would know if we used the dildo and would kill us if we did, so we can’t just give it back to him. We are hoping that the wizard assumes that we were killed during our mission and the thieves got away with the magic item. We are hoping that we can just disappear and Glimworm will give up his search for the dildo. All we have to do is not be recognized by anyone in the area.

  Neither Delvok nor I believe it will be that simple. Glimworm is a 9th level magic-user, after all, and he probably already knows that we have used the dildo. He has probably already sent out another party of adventurers to track us down and kill us, or he will come after us himself and cast Fireball all over our asses. Either way, we plan to keep a low profile for a very long time.

  “It would have been very useful if we had a Change Self scroll at this time,” Delvok says.

  I agree and then ask, “Where’s Dwarfy?”

  “Trying to find us another quest. We need some gold pieces as soon as possible. Then we need to get out of this region and never come back.”

  “What kind of gig?” I go through my Bag of Holding, checking to see if I have any extra rations. “Something easy I hope.”

  “I told him to get us something outside of town, preferably a quest for characters levels 1-2.”

  “I doubt the Dungeon Master is going to allow us to go on a quest that easy,” I tell him. “I’m level 3 now. Dwarfy is level 4. It’s more likely that we’ll go on a quest for characters levels 2-5.”

  “This would not be preferable,” Delvok says, “for I am still only level 1.”

  “Yeah, because your idiot player wanted to be multi-class. I mean, according to the player’s handbook, I don’t think you’re even allowed to be a ranger/cleric/mage/fighter. You can be a ranger/cleric or a cleric/mage/fighter, but all four? That’s retarded.”

  “Yes, I agree that it is illogical.” Delvok shakes his head. “I am not improving my skills by splitting up my experience points between four different classes. It would have been more logical to have chosen just one.”

  Then we notice that a blacksmith at the armory next to us has been listening to our conversation while hammering dents out of a full-plate helm. Delvok recognizes the eavesdropper giving us a confused stare, and motions for me to follow him. We step away from the armory and disappear into the crowd.

  “We are to meet The Dwarf Lord at Orc Fall Tavern,” says Delvok. “We shall head in that direction.”

  I nod at him and we dart through the crowd of peasants toward the tavern at the end of the road.

  2: Orcfall Tavern

  Orc Fall Tavern is crowded, as usual. This is the most popular drinking hole in the region for many adventurers, travelers, and assorted lowlifes. There are drunken barbarians pounding goblets on their tables as naked plump-bellied gnome women dance merrily for them on the counter top. There are a few rogues from the local Thieves Guild, plotting with whispery voices in the shadowy corner of the room. There are bards singing tales of heroic adventures. There are dwarven miners covered in soot.

  If Glimworm has sent mercenaries to find us this would be the first place they would look, so we try to remain hidden. Delvok covers himself with his cloak and I hide behind his legs. We inch our way through the rowdy barbarians until we spot Dwarfy.

  The Dwarf Lord is near the bar, raising his axe up and down to the rhythm of a bard song. The bard playing the tune for him is a blonde woman, who is very tall even for a human, standing like a stork over our stocky dwarf friend. She plays her lute with delicate pale fingers and sings about a magical forest filled with pixies and unicorns. As she sings, faeries fly around her head, dancing to the music with fluttering gossamer wings.

  The Dwarf Lord nods his head at us as we sit down at the table next to him. We watch the faeries flying around the bard, wondering what the hell they are doing in here.

  “I find this highly illogical,” Delvok says, sitting in his chair with perfect Vulcan posture. “According to the Monster Manual edition 3.5, faerie folk, or the Fey, are elusive woodland creatures who prefer not to reveal themselves to humans, especially not in a common tavern.”

  “What do you expect?” I ask. “Our Dungeon Master sucks.”

  “Indeed,” says Delvok. “My player should insist that he study the rulebooks more carefully.”

  We listen to the bard’s song for a while, hoping that it will soon come to an end. Five rounds later, it is still going on.

  Dwarfy points at the bard. “She’s our new traveling companion!”

  The human winks at us and continues to play.

  “Another player character?” Delvok asks. “This bard?”

  I examine the woman more carefully. Her leather armor is decorated with flowers and rainbows.

  “Do you think it’s Jenny?” I ask. “I bet you it’s just Jenny.”

  Delvok nods. “That would be a likely assessment.”

  Jenny is our Dungeon Master’s little sister. None of our players want her to play Dungeons and Dragons with them, because she always ruins the game. She’s too young to really understand how to play RPGs and she always wants to be a faerie princess who rides a unicorn. She also wants to cast magic spells that don’t really exist.

  These are some examples of stupid spells she has made up:

  ***

  Summon Pretty Unicorn (Conjuration/Summoning)

  Level: 1 Components: V, S, M

  Range: 0 Casting Time: 1 turn

  Duration: permanent Saving Throw: none

  Explanation/Description: When this spell is cast a pretty unicorn appears with rainbow-colored hair and becomes my best friend forever and will save me whenever I’m in danger and
can fly and talk and sing and dance and it’s magical and can never die ever and only girls can cast this spell.

  Speak with Mermaids (Alteration)

  Level: 1 Components: V, S

  Range: 0 Casting Time: 1 turn

  Duration: permanent Saving Throw: none

  Explanation/Description: With this spell I can talk to a mermaid and then become best friends with her and I can ride on her back when she swims in the ocean and she’ll take me to her underwater kingdom to have a mermaid ballerina ball where I’ll marry a handsome prince who also is at the ball but not a merman because he lives in a big castle and is a brave knight too.

  Create Magical Tea Party (Alteration)

  Level: 1 Components: V, S, M

  Range: 0 Casting Time: 1 turn

  Duration: 15 turns Saving Throw: none

  Explanation/Description: This spell makes a magic tea party appear with delicious strawberry tea and pink cupcakes and fairies and talking animals that are invited to the tea party and sing and have cute outfits and hats too.

  Rainbow Blast (Evocation)

  Level: 1 Components: V, S, M

  Range: 0 Casting Time: 1 turn

  Duration: instantaneous Saving Throw: none

  Explanation/Description: A magical rainbow shoots out of my heart and causes all good people to be really happy and fully healed and at the same time kills all evil monsters in one second no matter how big they are.

  Cure Lonliness (Abjuration)

  Level: 1 Components: V, S, M

  Range: 0 Casting Time: 1 turn

  Duration: permanent Saving Throw: none

  Explanation/Description: This spell makes everyone become my best friend and they’ll never call me names or make fun of me ever again no matter what even when I’m wearing my glasses and they will come to my house after school and play with me on the playground at recess always.